Monday, October 4, 2010

Retelling of the Tater Salad story, by Dashade Ashanten

I got thrown out of a bar in Stormwind City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Four warriors, a paladin and a death knight hurled my ass out of a bar like I was shot out of a cannon. Those big ol' guy who thinks fighting's a cool job. They just talk about fighting. They get together with other fighters and talk about fighting. They go home and shine their armor and beat off.

*Retarded voice* "I can see my reflection in the armor!" *stupid laugh*

I walk in a bar with a hat on; this guy, real pissy, goes "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" "I'll tell you what the deal is - gay people in this area wear hats like that and we're trying to keep 'em out of our club." I was like, "Oh really? The only way we can tell in Gnomeregan is if they have their hair cut like - yours." And he got all pissed.

Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. Now, I'm between 3'1" and 3'6", depending on which police lineup I'm in, and this guy is pokin' me on the shoulder with 2 fingers. He said, "That's it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't think so, Scooter." I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar, and then they decided to square off with me in the alley. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there.

The cops were called 'cause we broke a chair on the way out and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it because we broke it over my thigh, and at that point I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. Ashanten, you are being charged with drunk... in... public!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar. They threw me into pub-lic. I don't want to be drunk in public, I want to be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal... Arrest them!" They didn't arrest them. Instead, they had me do a field sobriety test. That's where you stand on 1 foot, raise the other foot 6" off the ground and count to 30. I made it to "wuh" before I fell over. "Is that gonna be close enough?" It wasn't close enough, so they call in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Spell arrays are linkin' up in outer space, computer banks in Gnomeregan are kickin' on... There's a morse code recorder in Thousand Needles going *beep beep ba-deep beep beep beep ba-deep...* This part takes a while... *beep ba-deep beep beep... BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-BE-Be* ... Short-hand... BOOP!

Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this story. When I was 17, was arrested for being drunk... in... public. There seems to be a pattern here. If you knew Morse Code, you'd already know that. One public intoxication charge, which was a bogus charge because they were stopping everybody that was riding a horse down that particular part of the castle throne room...and that's profilin' ...and profilin' is wrong. The arresting officer, who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyway, at the station, he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me... Tater Salad." Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood comin' out my nose, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are you Dashade... 'Tater Salad' Ashanten?" You caught me! You caught the Tater! You can take down those roadblocks now.

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